Introduction
I was trying to explain to someone the other day who they were at their core and I was trying to do so without bringing religion into it. I realized how difficult that was for me and wondered if it was difficult for other people too. Maybe someone identifies so strongly with a religion that when they think about who they are as a person they can’t separate themselves from their beliefs. Or maybe someone isn’t religious at all. As I thought about this I thought, ‘what do they use to define themselves? Who are we as people? What defines us and what makes us who we are? Do our differences make up who we are, or do our similarities? Are we the sum of our experiences? Are we defined by our race and culture? Our likes and dislikes? Our beliefs?’ There may not be an answer to these questions but I wanted to write down some of the thoughts that I had.
More Questions
I started out trying to think about how to encourage this individual to think about who they are and not define themselves by their failures or even how they feel about themselves. The idea was to encourage them that they are more than their vocation, that there is more to them than how successful they are at what they do. My first thoughts were about talents and strengths and dreams and experiences. Do those things define us? Is someone defined by the accumulation of or extent of their experiences? Or is it better to define someone based on what they are good at? I mean, sure we use those things to describe ourselves, to differentiate ourselves from others, but does that mean that those also define us, that they make us who we are? That they are who we are at our core?
I like to write so does that mean that being a writer is who I am? What if I choose not to write or can’t write, does that mean I am rejecting who I am and therefore don’t have an identity anymore? What if I love to write but I’m not very good at it, does that mean that I’m not a good person, that I don’t have as much value as someone who is good at what they love to do? I enjoy working out and I have had an active lifestyle since I can remember. So, is that who I am? I was working out and enjoying sports before I was a writer or even knew that I enjoyed writing, so does that mean that I am more defined by working out than writing? Does these things make up who I am? And what about my appearance or my race/ethnicity? Are these things part of who I am as a person or are they simply characteristics of who I am as a person? Are they just things that make me different from other people but not what truly defines me? What about me gives me the most value? And not what I value most but what makes my life and existence worth anything?
Sometimes, many times, your race, ethnicity and the culture in which you live dictates the experiences you will have and those experiences will mold and shape you and how you view yourself as well as how you fit into the world. Does that mean that we are whatever race or ethnicity we are? Or that we are defined by and our worth is measured by our culture? Or that we are what we experience, being dictated by our race/ethnicity? Is it our race that defines us, that brings us our identity? What about other cultures, does the culture we grow up in make us who we are and is it therefore what brings us our identity? Who are we, really? So many people carry trauma with them, does that mean that they are defined by that trauma, that they as people are whatever tragic experience happened to them? To me, this can’t be because it would mean that one person has the power to alter or change the value and worth and identity of another.
Defining Who We Are
Maybe it’s just me and maybe it’s just me not wanting to be defined by all these things but I don’t believe that these things make us who we are. We carry our experiences and our past with us but those things don’t count for who we are, not at our core. These things may be with us and they may be a way for us to describe ourselves, again, as a way of differentiating ourselves from others, but do they really define us? To define something, in my view, is to give it meaning. And these experiences and characteristics do not give meaning to my life, therefore they do not define my life. They are part of my experience on earth and I carry them with me but they do not bring my existence any meaning. They are not why I am here and they are not why I am valuable while I am here. I am not put on this earth to experience these things, they are not my purpose. I don’t even believe I was put on this earth to write or to work out. That seems too superficial to be the reason or purpose of my existence. There must be something more substantial, a deeper reason. Those things are mediums through which I express my deeper worth but they are not, by themselves, my purpose or my meaning or my worth. They do not define me. They are not the reason I am valuable. They are not how I bring value to this world.
Those things are mediums through which I express my deeper worth but they are not, by themselves, my purpose or my meaning or my worth.
I have been injured many times in my lifetime of sports and working out. Those injuries have kept me from exercising in the ways I had and the way in which I want to. Did my life lose its meaning when I couldn’t workout? I might have felt that way because I am missing something that has always been there but no, my identity did not change. My value did not change. Though I might not have been able to do what I want / how I want , my worth did not diminish. I worth as a human isn’t determined by my ability or success of do something I love to do.
This thought gave me the idea of “stripping away” all those layers of things and seeing what’s left. What if I can’t workout anymore, does my identity change? Am I suddenly different? Am I suddenly worth less because I can’t workout anymore? No way! So take that away. I can conclude that it does not define me, that it doesn’t define my value. What if I can’t write anymore, does my identity or value change? No way! Take away my family, does my identity or value change? No way! So what does make up my identity? Who am I? What defines me? What gives me value?
A Story Helps Answer My Questions
One of the things that has helped me cope with the different experiences and aspects of life is the lesson my children taught me. I would make a mistake at work or get hurt working out which prevented me from being active, I would gain a couple pounds or have a really bad day or whatever and I would think about my kids. They would still be excited to see me. It wasn’t that they didn’t care about what happened it’s just that what happened to me didn’t define who I was to them. My injuries, my bad days, my mistakes didn’t determine my value or my worth to them. They still loved me the same.
I remember one day I was telling my kids that I got a promotion at work and I told them my new title and everything and all of them just looked at me with this blank stare and were like, blink, blink, “we don’t know what that means but yay for you”. I learned then that they didn’t love me because I was successful at work or because I had a healthy, active lifestyle or because I didn’t gain weight or because I don’t have bad days. No, they love me because I am me. They love me because I am their father. They love me because I love them. So all that other stuff doesn’t matter, it has no weight, it brings no value to who I am as a person. The only thing that matters to them is that I am me, that I am their father and that I love them. What a relief that I don’t have to be perfect! That I don’t have to achieve in order to receive! That I don’t even have to be the “best” me all the time, every day, to have their love and their acceptance. Whew!
We Are Closely Connected At Our Core
So this is where my thoughts went – If what makes us different doesn’t define us then maybe it is best to define who we are by asking what is common amongst us. Well, we all have life in us. We all have thoughts. We all have dreams and desires. We all do good at times and we all do evil at times. We all make mistakes. We all have talents and things we do well. We all have things that we don’t do as well as others. We all want to love and to be loved. We all want good for ourselves and for those we choose to love. We all hurt other humans. We all need rules. We all break rules. We all lie to protect ourselves and those we love. We all bless people and we all curse people. We all want to be able to enjoy our life and we all want to be allowed to enjoy it. We all need food and water to survive. We all need clothing and shelter to feel safe and we all want to feel safe. We all have a desire to make our own choices and have our own thoughts. We all have faith in something. We all want fairness and justice for ourselves and those we choose to love.
We are all the same in this sense. Yes there are differences and those differences should be celebrated, but at our core we are all the same. If not, if those other things (race, culture, experiences, talents, etc.) really did bring us value then we could argue that one person is of more worth than another. But that isn’t true. There isn’t a single “description” of a person that makes one person more valuable or worth more than another. That is why I say that our differences should be celebrated but do not define us. My worth is not wrapped up in my race or my culture or my experiences or my talents. Neither is my value or my purpose. Those things do not make one person of more value or worth than another. I don’t want you to think I’m saying that those things are valuable, because they are, but they do not define your value.
You can look at anyone, the poor, the destitute, the rich, the talented, the popular, the beautiful, the addicted, the hurting, the confused and each and every one of them has the same value and the same worth. This is true because there is still something deeper, something that binds us all together: We all share humanity. Deeper than race and culture, deeper than our experiences and talent, deeper than our place in society, we are all human. It is the only thing that if you take it away, we lose who we are, we lose our value and worth, we lose what defines us. This is why I came to the conclusion that the only thing that matters, the only thing that gives us value and worth is that we are human.
You may say to yourself that you can’t change or take away your race or ethnicity or culture. This is true and I wouldn’t want anyone to. Our different races and ethnicities and cultures are beautiful. But the point is that you could ask yourself, “what if I was born a different ethnicity and grew up in a different culture, would I be worth more, would I be of higher or lesser value?” You could also ask yourself, “if someone is born of a different race and ethnicity and culture, are they worth more or less than me because I was born in this other race and culture and am a different ethnicity?” You can’t do that with your humanity. If you take away your humanity, if you ask yourself, “what if I wasn’t born a human,” or, “am I worth more than the animals of the earth since I am born a human and they are not,” those questions are obviously different. We are different from other creatures and we are worth more and are more valuable than those other creatures. But a human from one race or culture is not worth more than another human from a different race or culture. They are equally human.
As I thought about this it made more and more sense. We are all the same – we are all human. It doesn’t matter what culture you come from, what race you are, what your experiences have been, what talents you have, what you enjoy doing, who your friends are or who your family is, how successful you are, how many times you have failed. We are all the same. We are human.
I want to say this again to make sure you understand – our differences are the beauty that is in humanity. Don’t be ashamed of what makes you different. Our different skin tones and body shapes and sizes, our different cultures and talents and hair types are incredible and amazing and beautiful. Those differences should be celebrated and admired. How boring it would be if every flower looked the same. We, as a collective body of humanity, are beautiful. Be pleased that you help make humanity beautiful. Be pleased that the characteristics you have that differentiate you from other humans are what brings beauty to humanity. Your worth and value is deeper though. You are not better than anyone and you are not lesser than anyone – you are human just like every other human.
…our differences are the beauty that is in humanity…Be pleased that you help make humanity beautiful
What Now?
So this brought me to a point in the narrative where I thought I was finished. I satisfied my own curiosity of thought. But then came an epiphany. There is a truth found in all of this that lies just under the surface of being human. I realized that being human means something. Being human is the core but there are results to this truth. There is a consequence, if you will, to understanding the fact that we are all equally human.
I realized that because we are all human and that it is good to be human then it is good for us to receive goodness. Though we don’t receive it all the time and we don’t give it all the time, it is good for us to receive goodness. Think about that. I described earlier what we all have in common with one another. We all do evil, we all make mistakes, we all hurt other humans. Yet we all want love and goodness for ourselves and those we love and it is good for us and them to receive them.
Here is the problem – it may be good for us to receive goodness but none of us deserve to receive goodness. We have done harm to our fellow humans, we have done evil, we have made mistakes, we have broken the rules set for us to keep us from harming other humans. So, in order to receive goodness, then, having done things that do not deserve goodness, we must first receive mercy. It is because we have all done evil, causing harm to our fellow humans, that we do not deserve goodness from them and it is because of this that we require mercy. To say it another way – it is good for us to receive mercy. But here is the subtlety in how we work as a collective: In order for me to receive mercy there must be another human or group of humans who give mercy to me. So I find this truth at work in the world, that I need mercy and in order to receive it, another must give it. By consequence, for someone else to receive mercy, I must give it. Someone else, everyone else for that matter, is just like me, they require mercy and someone else must provide it to them.
So I find this truth at work in the world, that I need mercy and in order to receive it, another must give it.
The same can be said of many things. Yes, it is good for us to receive mercy and that to receive mercy there must be mercy given. It is also good for us to receive forgiveness and in order to receive forgiveness there must be forgiveness given. It is good for us to receive acceptance but to receive acceptance there must be acceptance given. It is good for us to receive kindness but to receive kindness there must be kindness given. For me to receive, someone else must give. For someone else to receive, I must give. It is because of this dependency we have on one another that it is good for us to both receive and to give. It is good for us to do so towards those who need to receive, which, if you’re hearing me, is every human.
It isn’t that we deserve these things or that we have earned them. There is none who deserve these things and none who have earned them. We all have the same need and we all are the ones who can meet that need for each other. It is part of being human, woven into our very existence, that to both give and receive mercy, goodness, forgiveness, acceptance and kindness is good for us and does us well. It benefits us an individuals and as a collective group. It is in this that we are valuable to one another.
Concluding Thoughts
At our core, what defines us, is that we are human. We all share in our humanity and because of that we all need each other and we are all needed. My value and worth to this world is that I am human and that it is good for me to both give and receive goodness, mercy, forgiveness, acceptance and kindness. It is tied to our very existence and identity. It is who we were made to be. It is the very reason we exist. It brings meaning to our lives.
If someone is more kind than another, that doesn’t change the fact that they need kindness and need to be shown kindness. If someone is less kind to another, that doesn’t change the fact that they need kindness and are need to be shown kindness. How someone acts towards others doesn’t change their identity or value or worth. They are hurt by their own actions because they are resisting / rejecting their purpose and value. It doesn’t change their purpose or value, they are simply not partaking in the cycle of goodness that is our dependency on each other. They are not fully experiencing what it means to be human. To put it another way – It is good for us to receive goodness and mercy and forgiveness and acceptance and kindness; this means that if you shut people out or treat them in a way that makes it difficult for you to receive these then you will be in a state of being that is not good. Because it is good to both give and receive these, it is not good for someone to only receive. If they do not partake in the purpose of their lives of also giving these, then they miss out on the what is good for them.
It is good for you to be accepted. In order for you to be accepted, others have to accept you. In order for others to be accepted, you have to accept them. If you deny them acceptance then you are missing an opportunity to fulfill your purpose and value and therefore not loving yourself. You and them are the same – humans in which it is good to be loved. Love is commitment and action, not a feeling or desire, it is not earned nor deserved. Step out in faith and love yourself by being kind to others, by showing others mercy, by forgiving others, by accepting others. Love them because you see your needs in them, because you know it is good for you to receive and therefore good for them to receive. You need what you are giving, so giving it to them is the best way you can love yourself and you are worth loving.
My challenge to you is to give to others what you want to receive from others. If you want goodness then you should strive to give goodness. If you want mercy then you should strive to give mercy. If you want acceptance then you should strive to give acceptance. If you want forgiveness then you should strive to give forgiveness. If you want kindness then you should strive to give kindness. All of humanity; whoever in humanity is brought to and intersects your life, needs you to show them goodness. It is good for you to show them goodness, mercy, acceptance, forgiveness and kindness.
We all bring value to this earth. We all bring value to each other. You are valuable and needed! You are worth much and your life has meaning! You are alive for a reason, you exist for a purpose! You are part of a beautiful body of humanity and all of us need you!